Happiness Lies In Your Own Hand
I've been feeling sick for the past few days...sorry for the lack of update. I'm getting better...it's a combo of stomach junk and upper back hurting. I'll be fine...don't send in the feds! The worst part is that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in the last few days. That would be ok if I had time to nap during the day, but of course, in the real world, adults don't get naps. So, I'm feeling kind of run down too. I woke up this morning after a night of tossing and turning and laid awake for a little while before I got up. I started thinking about happiness...here's some conclusions I've drawn:During my childhood, I was relatively happy. Some sad things happened, but I was too young to really undersand. Also, my parents were very good about showing me how even though life can suck, there are some awesome things about it. Then, once I turned 13, things seemed to go in one direction: bad. My uncle died not long after I turned 13...it was devestating...it wasn't something we were prepared for at all. He was still young, had young kids...it just took us all by surprise, and that was hard to deal with. Then, a year and a half later, while I was at camp, my grandma died. That one was slightly less surprising, but we still weren't ready for it. She was really young, and though she had been sick, we honestly thought she was going to make a 100% recovery and be fine. Her death was really hard on me, especially since I wasn't there when it happened. Right before she died, I had met and fallen for Skater Boy. He was, in my eyes, amazing...independent, cool, nice, smart, etc. It took a while for us to end up together...we became best friends fast, and the transition from that to something else was pretty awkward. But it did happen...he was an amazing person, and he helped me work through stuff in my life while I tried to do the same for him. We were inseperable. For a little over a year, Skater Boy made real life not exist for me. Nothing could possibly go wrong because I had him in my life...my best friend, someone who loved me with the same innocence that I loved him with. It was so pure. And, I was so dumb. I wish this story were less predictable...well, actually I don't, because if it were less predictable, I wouldn't be where I am right now. But I wish I could say there was some sort of happy ending to this story...there isn't. Right as I started 10th grade, Skater Boy dumped me for Jesus...didn't see that coming, did you? I'm so not kidding. I thought he was joking. I thought it was a prank. I thought in a matter of seconds we would be laughing about it. We didn't...it wasn't. He was serious...well, more like seriously a coward. But that's a story for another time. So, for one year of my life, I knew what utter happiness was. Then, I went from that to an all time low. Someone I had trusted...my best friend ever...was gone. I didn't have anything salvageable out of it. I had lost one of the most important people who had ever been in my life. I did, however, get over it. Good friends will help you through even the worst of times. I had some amazing friends.
So, here's where the story really gets interesting. The rest of that up there was sort of background info, so you could get into my frame of mind for this next part of the story. So, I'm in 10th grade and dumped for Jesus by my best friend ever. My friends get me over it. My new friends in high school are part of the "it" crowd...so I'm tasting minor popularity for the first time in my life. It felt good...after being dumped for Jesus, it felt damn good. I threw away my skater girl/grunge rebel clothes and started dressing more trendy. Guys noticed. That was nice too. I went from being this complete outcast because I didn't have the money to wear nice clothes (in upper elemetary grades) to being the social outcast because I just didn't care (junior high) to being mildly popular and having guys actually look at me. What girl wouldn't like that? I just tried not to let it go to my head. Some of the guys taking notice of me were actually some of the most popular ones at school. That shocked me. It made me happy, yeah...but it shocked me too. I mean, when you have more than one popular guy wanting to take you to homecoming...it seems like the world is at your feet (at least when you are 16 it does). I was pretty excited about all of this...people didn't tease me anymore...they didn't bother me...they looked at me and seemingly admired and respected me. It was a whole new world for me. Except I was being admired for the wrong reasons...they would accept me when I conformed to what they liked...othwise...being myself, I would never have been accepted. After a while, I realized this, and while I liked being somewhat popular and having guys be interested in me and all that junk, I knew it wasn't me. Yeah, I know...so predictable...but this is my story, so suck it. Anyway, I finally found my happy medium...it wasn't that all the popularity stuff wasn't me...it was just that most of it wasn't me...but being a social outcast wasn't completely me either, so I thought about what I liked and didn't like, and I made adjustments accordingly. Thus, I became Ms. Fish (although the fish part isn't exactly true, yet, at this point). The point is, I became me. A little trendier than my outcast days, a little less shallow than my popular days...just me. It made me happy. So, I found my happiness again. And ultimately, I didn't settle for any of the popular guys. Yeah, it's true, most of them lost interest in about 10 seconds...but some didn't...still, they weren't right for me. I found my kind of guy...someone who was sweet, artistic, caring, smart...and loved me for who I was...flaws and all...and for years, I was happy. Even after it just became a friendship, I was happy. I thought that years ago, I had lost the best friend I would ever have. I was wrong. I lost the biggest coward I have ever known. He never would stand up for me. I have a best friend now who may get on my nerves at times, but I know he has my back now and forever. He makes me very happy.
So, is that the end of the story? Nope. Nearly 2 years ago, I happened upon a certain fish. I was sort of lonely...he seemed (to me) sort of lonely...so we became lonely together...except that when we were together we weren't lonely...just very happy. Now, he's here and we are happier than ever...life isn't perfect...but it seems pretty perfect to a fish and his girl.
And the popular guys in high school? Are they happy now? I doubt it. They certainly don't look too happy when I pass by them in the community. Now that I think about it...they are actually not that good looking...I'm not sure why they were so popular...money or whatever...but I'm certainly glad that I didn't take a chance on them and miss my opportunity to be really happy.
So, I guess Madonna was right...
posted by Daniele @ 07:17
1 Comments:
I really enjoyed seeing this side of you. Thank you for sharing it.
I never really fit in with any particular crowd in school. I was sort of in between kind of guy. I got along with everyone, but never really fit in with any of them.
Then I met the love of my life, Barbara. We didn't need anyone else, just each other.
I hope this guy is yours.
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